There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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