When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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