He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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