I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
