I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
