Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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