I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
