who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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