you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
