Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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