I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
