Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
