Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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