Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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