the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
