mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
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You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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