1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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