Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
