come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
