I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
