I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
