cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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