I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
