I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
