I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i think i just lost a toe
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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