he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
