i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
