The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
