I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
