Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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