I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
