Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
