you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
