i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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