my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
