I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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