Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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