which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
