i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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