all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
