booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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