idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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