If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
