whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
