I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cannot find my penis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
