Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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