unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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