Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
