i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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