bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
