Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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