he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
