So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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