I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
