Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
