Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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